“My brother, Mark, has a birthmark. I asked my mom where my birthmatthew was.”
2.
The FaceTiming convo:
My toddler dropped my phone while she was FaceTiming my mom, gasped, picked it back up, and asked, “grandma, are you ok???” It was the cutest-dumbest thing Ive ever seen.
Twitter: @not_thenanny
3.
The report card convo:
My son got his report card today and academically he did well but his teacher wrote a note specifying “ he needs to use kind words with friends “ . I asked him about it and he said “ My friends are dumb and they need to know “
Twitter: @purestinnosense
4.
The perish convo:
I remember when I was younger I thought perish was a good word. I was praying with my family one night and I prayed that we would all perish. The silence that filled the room is unforgettable 😂🤣😭
Twitter: @gloriatunu1
6.
The coffee convo:
2y.o eating his lunch: “Papa’s coffee hot?”
Me: “Yeah baby it’s hot, don’t touch.”
2y.o: “Me blow on it for Papa?”
It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2y.o attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it..
Twitter: @papaneedscoffee
11.
The hog convo:
my 10yo has learned the phrase “cranking the hog” but doesn’t know what it means, so he uses it to mean “what’s up,” like yesterday when I was cooking: “how’s it going dad, crankin the ol hog?” I love this for my family
Twitter: @chore_daddy
12.
The teeth convo:
When my son was 4 he saw a commercial that said “brushing alone is not enough to prevent cavities and tooth decay” so he made us start brushing our teeth with him.
It’s been 3 years.
Nobody tell him.
Twitter: @luciuxness
14.
The school convo:
my daughter asked why she can’t just quit school and i told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail and my sweet sweet child looked me in the eye and said “i’ll visit you”
Twitter: @ceciatl
18.
The growing up convo:
19.
The bat convo:
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Twitter: @tragicallyhere
21.
The hide and go seek convo:
24.
The dinner convo:
3: Mommy, I don’t want dinner!!
Me: I’m not making dinner, I’m making you a big snack
3: Yay! Snacks!
𝗙𝗼𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝘆𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗸𝗶𝗱𝘀
Twitter: @kids_kubed
25.
The bleach convo:
*Opens bottle of bleach*
Nephew : How did you open it? I tried but it didn’t open.
Me : Oh it’s coz it has a child safety lock. Children can’t open it.
*nephew looks at bottle in amazement*
Nephew : How did it know I was a child?🤣🤣🤣
Twitter: @azedi
26.
The toast convo:
Toddler: Daddy I want toast.
Me: ok, buddy. Here’s some toast.
Toddler: I don’t like butter on my toast
Me: (flips toast over to the dry side and hands it back) There ya go.
Toddler: Thanks Daddy!
Toddlers are dumb. Take advantage of it while you can.
#Dadlife
Twitter: @twinzerdad
30.
The smell convo:
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Twitter: @ramzy
32.
The souvenir convo:
@Karnythia I woke up to 3 yo kid #4 petting my head. I asked what she needed and she said ‘i wish i had a piece of you that i could carry with me all the time. like your finger.’ Haven’t slept soundly since.
Twitter: @mmbtox
37.
The inside convo:
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Twitter: @mom_tho
38.
The crying convo:
(4yo daughter is crying her eyes out)
Me: “What’s wrong, tutu?”
4yo (moving her hands on the sofa): “If my fingers were markers they would ruin the sofa!”
Me: “But your fingers…are not…markers?”
4yo (peak distress): “I said IF!”
Twitter: @tomerullman
39.
The table convo:
Kids are the best, man. They get all shocked when you figure out they did something wrong like, “mom how’d you know I colored on the table?” Um, because you wrote your fucking name on it?
Twitter: @Fiveoclockmommy
43.
The glasses convo:
We cant find my 6 year olds glasses. Today we asked him where they are. He said and I quote “I threw them in the garbage yesterday, the lenses were dirty”.
$400 – see yeah!
Twitter: @jessemodz
47.
The quesadilla convo:
49.
The air convo:
My son keeps grabbing fists of air and screaming ‘mine’. My daughter is crying saying Tj is stealing my air….they are in my bedroom, on a Saturday morning….😪😪😪
Twitter: @knowbuntu
50.
And the confetti convo: