21 Funny Tweets That Really Made Me Laugh And Smile This Week

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

01:36 PM – 05 Apr 2018

I’m just remembering that my second year in America, someone asked me to “validate their parking,” which was my first time hearing the phrase, and after blinking stupidly in silence for a full five seconds I said “Well parking is really hard but I’m sure you did it really well”

02:26 AM – 15 Oct 2021

Me:
You don’t need to tip your head back when you have a nosebleed

10 yo daughter:
My friends’s sister gets a lot of nosebleeds and she says that you should

Me:
I’m a doctor

10 yo:
Do you specialize in nosebleeds?

Me: [wtf]

07:50 PM – 20 Oct 2021